Friday, November 25, 2011

In Which I am Unexpectedly Allowed to Hang Out Near My Daughter, Sort Of

To: All parents
From: The United Federation of Pre-Teen and Early Teen Girls, Local 22475
Date: November 25, 2005
Re: Close Range Protocols

Please be advised that, in honor of Black Friday, rules 46.5 and 46.8--governing the behavior of parents in the presence of a public gathering of three or more union members (herein after referred to as "the group")--will be temporarily suspended. Accordingly, for this one afternoon only, parents will be permitted to congregate within three (3) feet of the group. Parents wishing to so approach the group must come prepared with an offering of food (pizza, chocolate, etc.), drink, money, or approved brand name clothing and may not remain closer than 1.5 feet for longer than is reasonably required to deliver said offering. During the close range contact, parents will refrain from addressing any member of the group except upon express invitation (i.e., direct question or complaint from a member of the group) and must not make sustained eye contact with any offspring present in the group. The usual ban on lame jokes (rule 53.7 subpar.j) and public displays of affection (rule 21) will remain in effect at all times. Parents in good standing may, if necessary, speak to one another in the hearing of the group, but may not discuss any member of the group unless the content of the conversation meets the minimum praise content guidelines of rule 25.6.

Violation of these rules or any other deviation from the Public Embarrassment Standards (chapters 1, 3, 4 through 10 inclusive, and 15 of the Completely Arbitrary Rules of Engagement, Revised Edition) will result in a warning (eye-rolling, cold stare, or verbal complaint); repeat offenses will constitute grounds for the imposition of level two sanctions, which may include suspension of all conversational privileges and/or the application of sullenness and muttered commentary. Per standard procedures, no appeal of the sentence will be permitted.

Please remember that this is a one-time relaxation of the rules and such privileges should not be expected to recur. Standard public contact restrictions will resume at sunset; no prior warning will be given.

Enjoy your afternoon!

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